I Thought This Chapter Was Closed

I thought this was a chapter of my life that had already closed.

There was a moment in my life almost three years ago that shook me in a way I didn’t expect.

One of those moments where you sit with yourself and ask a question that feels heavier than it should:

Why is this happening to me?

I remember thinking maybe I deserved it.

Maybe I did something somewhere along the way that brought this back around to me.

Maybe this was karma collecting on something I didn’t even realize I owed.

And that thought alone will mess with your mind.

Because when life hits you in a way that feels unfair, your brain starts searching for reasons… even if the only reason it can come up with is blaming yourself.

So I did the work.

I went to therapy.

I unpacked the pain.

I talked through the confusion.

I worked through the guilt I had placed on myself.

Eventually those feelings disappeared.

Not because the situation magically made sense, but because I found peace with the fact that not everything in life comes with answers.

And honestly, I thought that chapter was closed.

But here I am again.

Feeling that same question creep back into my mind:

Why?

Why is this still following me?

Why does it feel like something I let go of is still holding onto me?

What makes it even harder is that I made the conscious decision to step back and let things go so everyone involved could move on and be happy. I chose peace. I chose distance. I chose not to keep fighting something that wasn’t worth the energy.

But somehow…

everyone isn’t moving on.

And now it’s touching my life again in a way that makes me feel like I’m being pulled back into something I already worked so hard to release.

That part is exhausting.

Because when you’ve done the work to heal, the last thing you want is to feel like you’re revisiting a chapter you already closed.

In moments like this, your mind can start drifting back to that dangerous question again:

What did I do to deserve this?

But today my mom reminded me of something simple and powerful.

Sometimes things resurface not because we deserve them… but because life is messy and people are messy.

She also reminded me of a scripture that stopped me in my tracks:

“For the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.” Psalm 37:17

And that reminder helped me breathe a little easier.

Not perfectly. Not completely.

But enough to remember that the work I did to heal wasn’t fake just because this situation popped back up.

Healing doesn’t mean life stops testing your peace.

Sometimes it just means you handle the test differently than you did before.

Right now I don’t have all the answers.

Honestly, I have more questions than clarity.

But what I do know is this:

I already survived this once.

I already did the work once.

And if I have to protect my peace again… I will.

Still, I’m human.

And in this moment, if I’m being honest…

I’m tired of being pulled back into something I already gave to God.

But I also know this time I’m not the same woman I was when it first happened.

I may sway for a moment, but when God is holding you up, you cannot be moved.

CB 🦋

Food for thought:

Have you ever let something go for the sake of peace, only to realize everyone else didn’t do the same?